Renegade Conservatory Guy

My Funeral

As I’ve been upsetting a few people in the double glazing industry recently, I’ve decided that it will be sensible for me to start thinking about my death, and, in particular, my funeral.

So, I have decided to put in writing my wishes, and instructions for those concerned as follows:

Venue

(Instructions for Alison, my wife)

Ali – as you know I’m not overly religious, so can you see if you can book the Galpharm Stadium (Huddersfield Town’s football ground)?  It holds 24,000 people (honestly!), which should be sufficient, but if my funeral is oversubscribed could you see if they are happy for people to stand on the pitch also.

Coffin

(Instructions for Mick, Head of Production, Conservatory Outlet)

Hi Mick – I think it’s only right that my coffin should be made out of uPVC.

Can you have a word with Steve at GAP and see if he can do a deal on some Rosewood flat board (not that cheap hollow soffit stuff).  Ask him if he can do any other colours – I’d really like a walnut colour, but I doubt they do that.

Will you get Biddy to make the coffin?  I realise he normally works on patio doors and bi-folding doors, but he’s quite technical, and I want the coffin to look as good as possible. 

Make sure he uses some steel reinforcing to hold it all together.  I’m not bothered about a hearse so the coffin (and me) need strapping to one of the fitters van roof racks – so it needs to be sturdy.  Also, can you have a word with Fab n’ Fix and see if they’ll do some nice chrome butt hinges and chrome handles to finish it off.

Cremation

(Instructions for Mick again)

I’d like cremating, so will you have a word with the crematorium, and see if the steel from the coffin will be left over.  If so you could re use it in the factory or get it weighed in.

Guest list

(Instructions for Iain the PR guy)

Iain – as soon as you hear about my death, will you get a press release out to the Glazine and Fenestration News, with news about the service at the Galpharm.  Don’t bother sending the press release to the trade magazines, as I’ll be a distant memory by the time they go to print.

Could you also have a word with Andrew Scott at Insight Data, and see if he’ll do you a deal on his email database of window fabricators and installers in the UK.  See if he’ll supply it FOC due to the circumstances.  Then just email everyone in the industry, even those I don’t like (you know the ones).

The Service

(Instructions for Andrew, MD of West Yorkshire Windows, and my brother)

Andrew – with so many industry people at my funeral, it’ll be a real opportunity to push some of our product range.  See if you can get the following people to do readings:

Andy Jones from Edgetech – see if he’ll do a piece about why everyone needs to switch to Super Spacer, if not everyone will be dead soon.  Save the Polar Bears by using Super Spacer etc and get him to play that video!

Paul Glover (my Dad), NHG Guarantees – can you ask Dad to do a speech about insurance backed guarantees explaining that consumers are still covered should the owners of window companies die prematurely.  He might want to mention that I’m his son also, but the focus has got to be on sales even when I’m not around any more.

And finally, Andrew can you do a reading about our new range of uPVC coffins, available in white, mahogany, light oak and rosewood.  I think we could make a killing on these (pardon the pun).

My Ashes

(Instructions for Andrew, MD of West Yorkshire Windows, and my brother)

Can you stick me on the window sill in the office, so I can sit and listen to all the meetings?

If you’re not keen on that, then can you take me with you to Glassex next year, and take me around the stands for one final time.  And then at the end of the day, can you find somewhere at the NEC to scatter my ashes…

That’s about it.

As I’m still very much alive at the moment, if anyone has any other ideas for my funeral preparations then please post a comment below: