Original picture at: http://i.imgur.com/PWIrg.jpg
Archive for the ‘Funny Stories’ Category
How to mess up your press releases and have a laugh about it.
Thursday, April 8th, 2010I’m going to the Lake District in the morning for a long weekend with the family. I’ll take my camera with me in case I spot any rotten old timber windows.
In the meantime I thought I’d share with you part of an email conversation I had with Paul Godwin of VAST PR, one of the UK’s leading double glazing industry PR guys.
Background: You may have noticed an increase in press releases in trade magazines about Conservatory Outlet and this is due to the hard work of Paul and me pushing him hard with continuous stories. Yesterday two press releases were being finished off – one about how happy Conservatory Outlet dealers are, and the other about the new deal I’ve sorted with Ripple Africa where we’re funding the planting of 72,000 trees in Malawi. The initial confusion relates to a last minute change in the emphasis of the tree planting release – whether we emphasise 50 trees to be planted for every conservatory installed, or one tree planted for every frame we make.
Paul: So why not say:
‘We plant a tree for every frame we make’
Stylise it on the page for effect, but keep it readable.
Non?
Paul ‘Woody’ Godwin
Me: I agree – let’s go with ‘We plant a tree for every frame we make’.
Did you send the wrong press release to me as it still states 50 trees per conservatory??
Paul: Hi Matthew
Sorry, I didn’t realise that the sentence was for the release. It had already been sent.
PG
Me: Oh, OK.
Paul: Oh f*ck this is confusing!
Understood now I think…..doh
Me: That’s good, because I’m totally confused. So, the last press release you sent me is the one that went to the press? Yeah?
Paul: Yeah!
Me: Cool. Groovy. Peace man…
PS. Is it too late to ask the editors to send it back to us so we can send them the right one?
Paul: I did send them the right one. The one you’d agreed at the time! Yes, it is too late. The quote that went out is INCREDIBLY, no really, SUPERBLY IMPRESSIVE. Frankly it left me breathless. Honest.
Leave it.
Please.
Sob.
Me: OK slight confusion as I think you may have taken my signing off the ‘Conservatory Outlet extends…‘ press release as the tree planting press release. But you’re right we should leave it. In fact, forget it. Let’s not dwell on this. There’s no point going on about it anymore. There’s more important things to worry about. Let’s look to the future and not discuss this any further. Are you OK with that? Please let me know if you’re not and we could discuss it further. I mean you could be right about all this and I could be totally wrong. If that is the case then definitely best if we draw a line under this. Might be best if you don’t reply to this.
PS. unless you want to of course.
Paul: I am delighted that you have taken the attitude of pragmatism and magnanimity towards this issue as well as brevity of course which is always (I believe) to be regarded as a very real quality and one that is completely underrated by almost everyone I know except of course the poor person that is on the end of a tirade from someone that has no concept of the term but nonetheless I will be very happy to discuss this issue (obviously one that you feel very strongly about) to the point where you are either satisfied that your wishes have been carried out satisfactorily or perhaps actually not at all in which case I guess we will be no further on than we are now.
Do you agree?
Me: Yes, I do feel we are bringing this episode to a close and there’s really no need for us to discuss this any further, although I must stress that this is not something I feel strongly about. Indeed, if I did feel strongly about it, I would probably wish to continue the conversation further. The truth is that I have far more important things I need to be getting on with, such as looking up the meaning of the word ‘magnanimity’, which I had thought was a large mammal residing in Africa (mostly seen in wallowing in mud), although it can’t be that as what you have said would be slightly insulting. So, best we just accept that the press release you have sent out is mostly right, although not entirely (and I must stress that I’m not having a further dig here) and the likelihood is that no one will notice, in the unlikely event that they read it.
Is that OK?
Paul: No.
Too much punctuation.
Conservatory market to disappear within 5 years
Sunday, April 4th, 2010I find during bank holiday periods I find myself thinking about the bigger picture, rather than the day-to-day challenges which normally keep me occupied during a working week.
So, today I’ve been thinking of the long term future for the conservatory industry and I was shocked at what I found:
There will be no conservatory industry in 2015!
This might be difficult to believe, but let’s look at the facts. Over the last few years there has been less and less interest in conservatories by homeowners. Just type the word ‘conservatories’ into Google Trends and you will see a depressing graph:
The number of units sold has declined from 270,000 in 2004 to only around 106,000 to be installed this year. This means that the market is decreasing by 20,000 units per year. As the market continues to decline by 20,000 units per year then there is only around 5 years left before the conservatory market disappears entirely!!!
So what should you do if you run a conservatory company?
My best advice is to start looking for alternative products to sell, such as garage doors, kitchens and driveways. The sooner your conservatory company exits this market place the better, as you will have first mover advantage. I would also be tempted to stop selling windows and doors, and seek to find other home improvement products. For example, I understand there is massive potential in the solar panel business as homeowners seek to reduce their gas bills.
To help you with this transition, Conservatory Outlet dealers will be happy to deal with the diminishing number of conservatory enquiries your business may still receive from your existing customer base. All you need to do is recommend to your customers that they visit www.ConservatoryOutlet.co.uk and we will take over from that point, leaving you the time to divert to selling other products. Thank you.
Finally I’ve decided what car to buy
Saturday, March 6th, 2010Back in July I asked for your help in deciding what type of car to buy. To be honest, I’ve been dithering ever since, partly because I’ve been too busy thinking about other things, and partly because I’ve been wrestling with all this environmental stuff.
Anyway, when I flew over to Northern Ireland a month or so ago, on the way back I was browsing the inflight magazine and saw a pretty good write up for a Jaguar XF. For those of you not particularly interested in cars (like me) this is what they look like:
I decided this car looked quite nice, and the emissions were not too bad at 179 g/km. I also quite liked the idea of driving a Jaguar as I am heading rapidly towards middle age.
But, just as I was about to order one, I asked the question on this website about whether humans are responsible for global warming. As I gave the subject more thought, I started to harbour guilty thoughts about buying the Jag.
So, I went back to the drawing board to try find something more environmentally friendly. I searched high and low and found that the best option for me is a Mega Electric Van.
So, I think I’m going to buy this:
At home I use Good Energy as our electricity supplier which is 100% renewable energy. So, by driving an electric vehicle I’ll actually be responsible for no CO2 emissions whatsover. I’m going to get it sign written, and there’s plenty of space in the back for my sample windows.
There are a few disadvantages, such as a top speed of 30 mph and a maximum distance of 40-60 miles before needing a recharge. As I’m keen to generate more dealers in the South of England I’m going to have to start going down the night before if I have a good lead (I don’t want to be late).
Also, I was wondering if any of you would mind me popping in when I need to recharge the battery. I’ll just need to plug it into a standard socket for a couple of hours, then I’ll be on my way.
So what do you think? Have I made the right decision here?
(Nb. I do have one other option I’m looking at as well, though. If this deal doesn’t come off, I might get a BMW 318d Business Edition with far lower emissions than the Jag at 120 g/km).
More Christmas madness
Tuesday, December 8th, 2009I don’t want to keep harping on about Christmas, but I just can’t help it.
The guys from David Gibson Conservatories in Northern Ireland have just sent me this picture:
Apparently, the Christmas tree has to stay in place while the guys build a conservatory base around it!
Now that’s what I call a guarantee
Monday, December 7th, 2009In theory, this is a great marketing strategy:
If they could just look at their recruitment policy I think they may be on to a winner.
Dog Advent Calendars. Whatever next?
Saturday, December 5th, 2009In a previous post, it was clear that some people disagreed with my negative thoughts about Christmas.
Well, I’d like to hear what the pro-Christmas lobby has to say about my wife buying these:
As far as I’m concerned this is the last straw.
In fact I’m thinking of creating a ‘Let’s Ban Christmas’ Facebook group. Anyone interested in joining me?
